There is a lot of things I had to learn on the way during my journey with cancer. One of the was how fucking cold you get after both radiation and chemo. When I was cold, I MEAN COLD! In this picture I had on two pairs of sweat pants, two shirts, a beanie and a hoodie.It is amazing the changes your body goes through, before all of this I couldn’t stay cool. I was “warm natured” basically I was always hot. Now I can’t stay warm and barely ever sweat. If you ask my wife she’ll say the no sweating is a good thing.
Kodak
Radiation cherry popper
I remember this day so vividly, it was my first day of radiation. I had no idea what to expect... the paramedic dude was telling me it was a simple thing. I guess he was trying to calm me down, it worked to some degree. I was calm all the way until they turned on the radiation shooter (that’s what I called it). I didn’t feel anything until 20 minutes in... then OHHHHHH SHIT! This massive wave of nausea rushed over me annnnnd I fainted! I heard it was normal but damn they could have given a brotha a warning. I have to say that the radiation was the worst part of this whole journey, the chemo wasn’t bad. I felt the worst I have ever felt during this week of radiation but now that I look back... I made it through and am now working on getting back to normal. That’s all anyone can really ask for.
97 days
97 days... it has been 97 days since my big head sister saved my life (thank you Jazz).
It has been 97 days since my Stem cell transplant.
It has been 97 days of have a new immune system (and all the complication that go along with it) and life.
97... seems like a long time huh, to me it flew by. I’ve been spending those 97 days trying to get back to normal. Spending time with my two Zs. Enjoying being free from the hospital bed. Working...
In 3 more days I’ll find out how my transplant has melded with my bone marrow. I’m excited to see and if I might say... a little nervous. What ever might come I’ll take it and run with it, like I always have.
Finding Glitter
Life ain’t always glitter and rainbows... how much you choose to be negative about directly influences how your life will end up. I will always find glitter in old soggy confetti.
New Birthday
Today is the day... I guess I get a new birthday today along with my new immune system. I am so at a loss for words right now. Really I just wanna be with Zoey, Z, mama and sisters. I want to be with my sister while she is going through the process of harvesting the stem cells. I know that isn’t easy. So much going through my head right now... just know that I am eternally grateful to everyone! Ya’ll strength and praying has brought me here. Even if you didn’t pray your well wishes provided momentum. I love you all!
Alopecia
Even if you're bald, losing your hair is a humbling experience. It is so crazy to see the hair you been shaving for 24 years be so easy to pull out. I've always joked the I can't wait for my hair to fall out so that I wouldn't have to shave. Now that the choice of having hair has been taking away... it is bittersweet. I think it is more of a loss of choice than the loss of the actual hair.
Casi ahí
Ask not for a lighter burden but for broader shoulders. - Jewish proverb
Almost there, just have to strap in and push through.
Bone biopsy & tools of the trade
Bone biopsies are weird, I've had 6 and don't remember a single one. I know years ago when you received a bone biopsy it was carried out with just local anesthetic. Well I'm a big baby, so they knocked me out every time and I'm very grateful for such kindness. I received a non pain medicated spinal tap once... NEVER AGAIN! I learned quickly that I don't like pain. Ha... ha.. ha...
Bordem is the loneliest number
Influx
One of the saddest things about being in a hospital for 3 weeks has nothing to do with me. It is seeing the amount of people being life flighted in everyday. I see this helicopter fly in at least 3-4 times a day... hopefully the people they fly in get to walk out.
Faith
In this together
What can I say, that you haven't already shown. This has been a hard journey for both of us, one day you had a husband there to help raise our sweet (and stupid energetic) Zoey... then the next you didn't. I'm sorry, I'm so, so, sorry... I know it is out of our hands but I want to be there. I miss ya'll something terrible and can't wait for that FaceTime at the end of the day. We've cried on each others shoulders (I kinda had to stoop for yours) but I am certain this is just a temporary learning block. We've argued about your need for rest and you not making the trek over here. We aren't perfect but when we make it through this, we'll be able to make it through anything thrown our way. Thank you and I'm honored to be your husband. I love you Zenaida Campbell.
Wrap it up
Ahhhh old ole shower time! Hold up, not so quick... gotta wrap that pic line. You don't want to get it wet since that can cause the growth of bacteria and all kinds of fun stuff. Slide your arm in a two ended plastic bag then put Coban on top and bottom with a little tape to seal it up and you're all set!
Home
Home sweet home! After 29 days (round one chemo) of being away from Z, Zoey and my home... I just wanted to relax with them. You never truly know how blessed you are until it is taken away. Hold everyone you hold dear tight... very tight, for they could be taken away as soon as they step outside the door.
The contortionist box
The title says it all... at the beginning it took me more time to get "in" the restroom than it took to "go" to the restroom. Since this is my 4th round here, I'm a damn pro at maneuvering my IV stand in such a small space. Gotta remember to put that down in my resume.
End of round one
While I'm at the hospital about to start my 4th round of chemo this image marks the end of my first round of chemo. Going home for a week, the nurses had to remove my pic line. If you don't know what a pic line is, it is basically a direct line to the heart when inserted.Going home for a week, the nurses had to remove my pic line. If you don't know what a pic line is, it is basically a direct line to the heart when inserted.
It is where they gave me the chemo, where they withdrew blood and where they gave me infusions if need be. I thought that since this thing has been inserted in my arm for a better part of a month, that it will hurt like hell coming out. To my surprise, it didn't... it felt like string being dragged over my chest and on to my shoulder. Very weird sensation. All images after this will be from my 2nd and 3rd rounds of chemo.
Reflections
This self portrait thing is hard, I mean... just sitting in front of the camera is easy. Making it meaningful is the hard part. Documenting yourself is hard as well, I'm constantly reminding myself to shoot everything... even the mundane. This is my first time turning the camera on myself and it is very eye opening. Self portraits seem to be helping me find out more of who I am and what I can achieve.
Let's face it, there is a possibility that Leukemia can take me. I'm not being negative, that is my reality. Of course I'm doing very, very well with chemo therapy and I feel fantastic... but the reality of things is no matter how awesome I feel, I have cancer. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed... I feel redirected and decisively more purposeful. Just because I realize I can die from Leukemia doesn't mean I'm going to go into the night peacefully... because I won't.
Passage of time
In 3 days I'll start my 4th round of chemo, it was really good to be home for 2 weeks! I got to spend a lot of time with Z and Zozo but it is back to reality. I shot this the first week on my first round of chemo, this construction site looks very different now. This is my clock, to show the passage of time. Hopefully I can convey a real passage of time in 7 months.
Stanzia and her mobile keyboard
On Wednesday's we have a young adults with cancer meeting. At the end of the meeting Stanzia (pretty sure I butchered her name) sings a song for the group. Now it might seem like these meetings are corny and you are better of by yourself. They aren't and you are not, now the meetings might not be everyone's cup of tea but it is good to know you have people who are fighting the same battles... sometimes the same cancer as you. Experience goes a long way in this fight.
Pee bottles
I've sat here for a while... trying to think of a better title for this post.Ha... ha... I failed... but when the chemo or drug side effects hits you hard as hell, making it to the restroom is sometimes not a option. That little jug hanging off the trashcan has saved me more than once.
These bottles also serve the purpose of monitoring your fluid output. That way the nurses and doctors can see if you're retaining fluid or urinating it all out. If pee grosses you out... then you might not want to continue on with this feed, because it only gets better!