End of round one

While I'm at the hospital about to start my 4th round of chemo this image marks the end of my first round of chemo. Going home for a week, the nurses had to remove my pic line. If you don't know what a pic line is, it is basically a direct line to the heart when inserted.Going home for a week, the nurses had to remove my pic line. If you don't know what a pic line is, it is basically a direct line to the heart when inserted.

It is where they gave me the chemo, where they withdrew blood and where they gave me infusions if need be. I thought that since this thing has been inserted in my arm for a better part of a month, that it will hurt like hell coming out. To my surprise, it didn't... it felt like string being dragged over my chest and on to my shoulder. Very weird sensation. All images after this will be from my 2nd and 3rd rounds of chemo. 

Reflections

This self portrait thing is hard, I mean... just sitting in front of the camera is easy. Making it meaningful is the hard part. Documenting yourself is hard as well, I'm constantly reminding myself to shoot everything... even the mundane. This is my first time turning the camera on myself and it is very eye opening. Self portraits seem to be helping me find out more of who I am and what I can achieve. 

Let's face it, there is a possibility that Leukemia can take me. I'm not being negative, that is my reality. Of course I'm doing very, very well with chemo therapy and I feel fantastic... but the reality of things is no matter how awesome I feel, I have cancer. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed... I feel redirected and decisively more purposeful. Just because I realize I can die from Leukemia doesn't mean I'm going to go into the night peacefully... because I won't.

Passage of time

In 3 days I'll start my 4th round of chemo, it was really good to be home for 2 weeks! I got to spend a lot of time with Z and Zozo but it is back to reality. I shot this the first week on my first round of chemo, this construction site looks very different now. This is my clock, to show the passage of time. Hopefully I can convey a real passage of time in 7 months.

Stanzia and her mobile keyboard

On Wednesday's we have a young adults with cancer meeting. At the end of the meeting Stanzia (pretty sure I butchered her name) sings a song for the group. Now it might seem like these meetings are corny and you are better of by yourself. They aren't and you are not, now the meetings might not be everyone's cup of tea but it is good to know you have people who are fighting the same battles... sometimes the same cancer as you. Experience goes a long way in this fight.

Pee bottles

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I've sat here for a while... trying to think of a better title for this post.Ha... ha... I failed... but when the chemo or drug side effects hits you hard as hell, making it to the restroom is sometimes not a option. That little jug hanging off the trashcan has saved me more than once. 

These bottles also serve the purpose of monitoring your fluid output. That way the nurses and doctors can see if you're retaining fluid or urinating it all out.  If pee grosses you out... then you might not want to continue on with this feed, because it only gets better!

Going home

4 am... I might not look happy but I was elated! The nurse come in at 1am and told me I might be going home in the morning (I did). I'm not a big smiler hence my face but I just couldn't go back to sleep. I was excited to spend time with Zoey and Z, I was excited for fresh air and anything other than level 8 of Methodist Oncology ward. 

P.S. This is from my first round of chemotherapy, I'm now about to start round 4.

Family

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Few things have made this whole journey more manageable than family and friends. I've been blessed to live so close to the hospital for my treatment, I've been visited by hordes of family and friends. I appreciate you all!  

Self

This is me at a bloated 197lbs (13lbs in 4 days) up from a lean 184lbs... they have to bloat me with water to help flush the chemo out of my body as quick as possible. I want talk to ya'll about weight loss and psych, I'll been one way for the better part for 24 years. I made it up to 270lbs in my early 20's, was squatting over 700, deadlifting almost 700, benching high 500's. Then I got into bodybuilding. Cut down to 210 and never looked back.

When you are known to be at a certain level, a level you worked soooo hard to achieve... it should bother you when you lose it. Well it didn't really bother me to lose weight as fast as I did until I hit 180... that was a 50lbs loss. I haven't been 180 lbs since 7th grade. I know after this is all said and done I will gain it back but it kinda feels like a piece of my identity was taken way for now. 

26 days

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The pain of missing your child is the most unbearable pain. To have them grow up without you even if it is for just 3 weeks is unthinkable to me. This is me after not seeing Zoey for 26 days during my first round chemo. I broke down, ugly cry and all. I go back to the hospital on next Monday, I would say I'm better prepared but I would be lying. I love you Zozo!

Good ole spinal tap

This series of images are from when I had to have a bone marrow biopsy and a spinal tap. Didn't feel as bad as it sounds, both were painless (well not painless, they knocked me out before the bone biopsy). My protocol calls for a bone biopsy every 3 weeks to check my levels. The spinal tap was just to make sure my Leukemia didn't travel there as well. A quick breakdown of the numbers on the board...
WBC = White blood cell count, normal is 3.5
HGB = Hemoglobin, normal is 15
PLT = Platelets, normal is 100
The day before my platelets were 11 (once you go below 10 you get a transfusion) but was given a transfusion so that my platelets would be high enough so that I wouldn't bleed out after the biopsy. Dropping a little knowledge on ya... the more you know.

Breakfast cocktail

To combat the effects of chemo I have to down a assortment of drugs,

Anti viral

Anti Bacterial

Anti fungal

Anti nausea

Methyl-Prednisone

Pepsin

I've never taken this much medication before but I must say that it is doing it's job! besides a couple day of being extremely tired I haven't had any real bad days... yet.

12:00am

Two vials of blood every night between the times of 12:00 - 12:45am. They do this for labs so that they can monitor your blood levels everyday to see if you might need a blood infusion or platelet infusion. Waking up at 12am or so isn't as irritating as you'd think it would be when your life depends on it. I just learned not to go to bed until after labs are drawn.

Chemo jammies

One thing I've learned during my first round of chemo is that there are a multitude of different chemo therapies and they all vary in toxicity. I also learned that chemotherapy isn't just for cancer! Whaaaaa... (answering myself) I know! Hospitals use it for a lot of auto immune dieases as well. Either way, no matter what type of chemo... the nurses have to wear what I call a "chemo jammie". Basically a big blue sheet with sleeves, extra precaution in case the IV bag burst or spills. I know it is about that time when I see then getting ready.

Septua

7 months... I have to wear this hospital band, 7 months of intermittent hospital stays. 7 weeks of chemo. A total of 24 weeks away from my daughter... I'm not looking for pity. Quite the opposite, I'm not mad I have Leukemia. Truthfully who am I NOT to get it, I am not special. Cancer is a anyone disease, anyone from any walk of life can get it... no one is immune.
I feel it is my job to show others that having Leukemia, it isn't what the tv shows and movies says it is.

"Septua" is a documentation of everything I'll be going through for my 7 month chemo protocal (including peeing in containers on the side of my bed).. Some images might be hard to look at, but reality isn't always nice and neat. Hopefully I can truly convey through my images what cancer is and what it can mean to one's life.